Category Ask the Psychologist

I love my girlfriend even though we have broken up. I just can’t live without her. Since I came to know that she doesn’t love me anymore, I want to forget her but I am unable to do so. This is affecting my studies. What should I do in order to forget her and lead a successful life?

Looks like you feel much pain at breaking up with your girlfriend. It must hurt that she doesn’t love you anymore.

Firstly, be aware of and acknowledge your feelings — the hurt, sadness, and pain because you have broken up. Take time for this, for it will help you to feel calmer and more peaceful.

Imagine that you are in charge of lighting the stage of your life. What you’re doing at present is placing your ex girlfriend at centre-stage and putting a spotlight on her. This blinds you and leaves the rest of the stage – all the other people and things present in your life – in darkness. Remember, the switch of your mind’s spotlight is in your hands. Move the spotlight onto other people and things new friends, your studies, hobbies. Acknowledge and be grateful for whatever you have, and which brings you joy. This way, the entire stage of your life will light up!

You say you ‘just can’t live without her’, know that you are already living without her and have asked for advice on how to ‘forget her! This shows that you have taken the first step to moving on!

 

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I am a student of Class 9. I like one of my classmates, but I’m not sure if she likes me. I want to concentrate on my studies and exams, but whenever I take my books in my hands I start thinking of her. My parents have great expectations of me. I want to fulfill their dreams which are my goal in life. What should I do?

Thinking about a classmate you like and not knowing if she likes you is distracting you from your studies.

Since this girl is your classmate, make friends with her, if you haven’t already. Get to know her as a person. If you are already friends, enjoy the friendship. If she thinks of you as a special friend, it will be quite obvious, and if she doesn’t, you will also know soon enough.

As for your future, do ensure that the dreams you are trying to fulfil are also what you want, not just those that your parents want for you. If you are only working to fulfill their dreams, you will not put in a wholehearted effort. Take up your books because you want to learn.

To study, set a 25-minute timer and commit to focusing. When you get distracted, say I will think about that later’ and get back to studies. After 25-minutes, take a 5 to 10-minute break and allow yourself to think about or do whatever you like. Then back to another 25-minute session. With a little determination, you can achieve your goals. Good luck!

 

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We have a group of close friends, all boys. One of our friend’s girlfriend tries to manipulate and control him. She has brought about a lot of changes in his behaviour. He often disrespects or causes hurt to our sentiments. The girl often tries to defame us in our friend’s view. Day by day our friend is getting away from us.

You’re hurt and angry with your friend’s behaviour and fear losing him. Yet, the reality is that other halves’ will enter all your lives sometime. Whether they become the “better’ or ‘bitter’ half is up to you.

So, come to the same side as your friend: Tell him you are happy that he has someone special in his life; that you know that he is torn between friends and her. Express your hurt when he disrespects you. Share that as a group your goal is to balance your personal lives and still keep the bond you share as a group. Discuss three scenarios: how/when you will a) spend time alone as a group; b) spend time away from the group (alone with a girlfriend) and c) include girlfriends in group activities. The end goal: your friendship remains intact.

Finally, get to know his girlfriend. Acknowledge her importance in his life. Reassure her that while he is free to spend time with her, it would be nice if he spent some time with his friends too, and that you all will include her in the group sometimes.

To balance group bonds with personal ones, it is necessary to be accepting and have open communication. Only then can there be harmony.

 

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I am in Class XI and a JEE aspirant. Due to the pandemic our Class X exam results were delayed and hence the upcoming session, which resulted in a loss of time for my JEE exam preparation. I am left with just a year for the preparation. I hate online classes as I learn 0% from it. I was one of the toppers in Class X but now I don’t think I can make it. Recently our tests and exams were taken online and I know I did not perform well. My parents bought me a specialized online coaching package, but I am not performing well even then. I have changed my school because of my father’s job and I hate the place in which we live now. My father has so many visitors that the whole day is wasted in serving outsiders. I get no time for studying as my mom tells me to do household chores. I think because I am a girl they treat me like that. I wish I was a boy because then I would never have to do all this. I even suffer from nightmares related to my study. I don’t think I can crack JEE if the situation remains the same. I want to go back to my school and to the place I lived in before. I often end up in tears when I think about it.

Sounds like you just hate everything that is happening to you. You feel powerless, out of control and a failure, and you’re ready to give up. Yet, when you are rock bottom, you can only go up.

You can choose to look backwards at all the things that have not worked, label them as terrible, play a victim, pity yourself and spiral into despair; OR you can look forward to your future, label your challenges as opportunities to grow, be a ‘growth-mindset’ person, and make things happen. The truly successful people in the world went through tremendous tough times before emerging winners.

If you want to win over yourself and your mind:

a) Accept the new place and school. A growth-mindset person can grow where planted. What if you were stuck in an IIT and this situation arose?

b) Set boundaries: If your priority is studies, set aside time slots to study and tell everyone not to disturb you then. Be firm. Set aside a different time to help your parents.

c) Inspire yourself: Find ways to encourage yourself towards your JEE goal and success. Examples: A vision board on the wall. An image of yourself with a medal saying ‘JEE’. A voice recording to play when you’re discouraged.

d) Sort your study difficulties: Your feelings of resentment prevent you from focusing. Rewire. Online learning can be recorded, played back a million times, is in small chunks and there are a thousand references for a topic. If you’re missing company: Phone a friend. Teach another. Video call an expert (teacher). Get a study buddy or group. People are often happy to help.

Even one second ago is the past. Work in the present to create your future.

 

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I am in Class X and I want to improve in my studies. My problem is that I sleep a lot; I’m always feeling sleepy and hopeless. As I am not as intelligent as other students, I need more time to study, but I can’t manage my ‘sleep’.

Looks like you find yourself slow and struggling with your studies due to excessive sleep, and you feel quite hopeless, too.

Excess sleepiness can be due to an underlying health condition: lack of certain vitamins in your diet; lack of exercise leading to lethargy; not getting enough sleep at night, and so on. These could also lead you to a low mood. Visit your family doctor at the earliest to find out the reason.

At the same time, make sure you get exercise – especially in the morning. Exercise boosts brain power and also helps you to feel good about yourself. If you feel sleepy only when studying it could be due to your lack of interest in studies, not understanding what you learn, or not using the right methods to study.

Most importantly, if you feel hopeless most of the time, do connect with a counsellor in person, at the earliest. She or he will help and support you.

 

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I was in a relationship with a boy of my age. We were always there for each other. But, his friends poisoned his mind and told him false stories about my best friend and I; that we are in a relationship behind his back. Due to this, my boyfriend broke up with me. I know he still loves me and I too love him a lot, but I don’t know what I should do now.

Looks like you and your boyfriend shared a supportive relationship. You miss him a lot and would very much like to have him back.

However, if he has allowed his friends to ‘poison his mind’, it looks like he didn’t trust you much, unless something happened to break that trust. It is important to reflect on why your friendship with your “best friend” has caused so much trouble. Did you spend more time with your best friend than with your boyfriend? What could have happened to make his friends say that you and your best friend were ‘in a relationship behind his back’?

Looks like he is unwilling to speak to you. If he is willing to talk – as you say you are quite sure he still loves you – then ask him for a meet. Find out what has made him upset, as well as discuss your feelings and clear the misunderstandings. However, if he is unwilling to meet and listen to your point of view and your feelings, then you need to let go.

 

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I am deeply in love with a girl who is a year younger to me. I think about her every day. I even proposed to her, but she rejected it. I’ve been in love with her for more than a year. We often meet, too. Our mutual friends think that we’re perfect for each other. But, she thinks of me as just a friend. The good thing is that my feelings for her don’t affect my studies in any way. It’s the first time I’ve ever felt this way about any girl.

Looks like you have a crush on this girl and she is quite special for you.

If she doesn’t return your feelings, there is nothing much that you can do, except enjoy your friendship, for that too is a precious relationship.

A year is a long time for one-sided feelings. While it is great that it is not getting in the way of your studies, it does take up your mind-space – time that could be spent on developing your personality, your talents and hobbies, etc. Meeting her often, and having your friends to tell you you’re ‘perfect for each other’ won’t help you to move on with your life. So, help yourself to move on. Ask your friends to stop discussing about you as “a perfect pair”, meet her less often. Make new friends, too. One day you will meet someone who will return your feelings and you will find that to be more fulfilling.

 

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I am the eldest son in my family. I have two younger sisters, aged 7 and 12. My parents are very protective of them and can’t stand any wrong done against them. I enjoy playing or fooling with my sisters but my parents don’t like it. They assume that I will “harm” them. They don’t trust me with my sisters. I am older, chronologically and physically, and there’s a possibility of me harming them. My parents also think I’m not good enough in studies and compare me with them. No matter how hard I work, my parents assume that I don’t do anything good. The other day when I was playing with my siblings and one of them got injured and my parents threatened to “send me away”. When I confronted them and asked if they really meant what they said, they replied: “Yes, we want you to go”. They don’t love me. Why?

Looks like you feel quite confused by your parents’ behaviour. It makes you feel unloved. Before anything, do reflect on what you have shared, it will help you find your answers: What kind of ‘play’ or ‘fooling around’ do you do? You may have no intention of harming them, but the reality is that one of them accidentally got injured. ‘What ‘trouble’ do your parents have to say: ‘we don’t need you around to cause….’? What makes them think you ‘don’t do anything good’?

Has any of the above happened before? If yes, it is natural that your parents are concerned about your sisters’ safety, and also about your behaviour. If you want to win back your parents’ trust, here are some changes you need to make in your behaviour:

1. Find different ways to show affection to your sisters. Perhaps you can show you care by playing board games or by helping them in some way. Be an encouraging and supportive older brother.

2.  Make friends with other people of your age. Channel your energy into exercises and sports. Focus on your future, your career, your hobbies, etc. Take responsibility and offer to help at home.

3. Reach out to your parents. Share your feelings with them: “I feel very hurt when you ask me to go.” Ask: “What can I do differently that we can get on better?” Tell them you want to make them feel proud of you and ask them what would make them feel proud of you. If they won’t agree to a conversation ask a trusted older person to help. Only when your parents see a change in you, they will begin to trust you; and when you change you will feel better about yourself.

 

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I regularly receive SMS messages from an unknown person. I think he is a good person. But even though he sounds fine, I get disturbed. I asked him not to send any more messages, but still he sends them. I don’t want to tell my parents about this because they would worry. What should I do?

You seem to be torn between what you should do and what you want to do.

My two-word answer: Block him. Today’s smartphones allow us to both block and report any contact that disturbs us.

However, it is important to reflect on why you haven’t blocked him till now, though he is an ‘unknown person’ and you ‘get disturbed’. Is it because you want to continue receiving SMS messages from this ‘unknown person’? Is it because you like the attention you get? At the same time, you ‘get disturbed’ or you feel a bit guilty and afraid? What makes you tell yourself that he is ‘a very good person’, though you don’t know him at all? What kind of a person is he if he does not stop messaging even though you have asked him not to?

You do not even know who he is, nor his age, location, family, friends… For a healthy relationship, you have to interact with persons openly – not just alone, but also in family and social settings. You have taken a huge personal safety risk in interacting with a total stranger… and your parents will not just worry, but will also be angry.

Your actions are accompanied by responsibility and consequences. What you decide to do should bring you safety first. The best thing to do is to block him.

 

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I used to study in an all-boys’ school and now I have moved to a co-ed school. I am very shy in making friends with girls. I like a girl and want to be friends with her. Should I approach her and say that I want to be her friend?

It seems your inexperience in social interaction with girls makes you feel too shy to approach a girl whom you like. While it is perfectly fine to approach someone and say, “I want to be friends with you,” it can make the other person feel uncomfortable because she doesn’t know you enough.

A good way forward would be to first make friends with both guys and girls in a mixed-gender group that you can learn to interact with girls without pressure. If this girl hangs out in a mixed-gender group, you can try to join that group.

When you feel a bit confident, you can make friends with her directly, or find a common friend first. Take one step at a time. Smile at her… and at other girls, too. Work up to a ‘hi’ and then find an opportunity to begin a conversation. Find out what she is interested in and what your common interests are. This way, if you both become good friends, it’s wonderful, if not, you still have learnt how to be comfortable making friends with girls.

 

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