Category Parenting Queries

Parents want to believe that their kids won’t try drugs or alcohol. After all, preteens have been constantly exposed to anti-drug messages in school, at home, and in the media. They hear about celebrities’ drug addictions and overdoses, about drunk-driving fatalities, alcoholism, and drug- and alcohol-related violence. Parents hope all this information, plus the values stressed at home, will keep their child from trouble.

However, kids are curious, and drugs and alcohol are easily available. The same media that broadcast the “bad news” about drugs also glamorize drug and alcohol use. Many teen heroes are drug users, and many rock songs, videos, movies, and TV shows make drugs and alcohol seem acceptable and even desirable.

Seventh- and eighth-graders usually can point out the “drug group” at school. One thirteen-year-old frequently tells his parents about kids who buy drugs at his suburban school: “They stand at their lockers and pass little bags to each other.” Children are fascinated by the subject of drug use. They want to know who does it, why, and how it feels.

The most vulnerable kids are those who are left unsupervised, who feel consistently left out socially, who have too much stress in their lives, or whose parents’ abuse alcohol or drugs. If such children don’t experiment at these ages, they are likely to in high school, where exposure, access, and peer pressure are greater.

Peer pressure plays a big part in early drug use. Children are easily influenced by their friends and fear rejection for not “going along.” A child needs a strong counter influence at home, giving him the reasons and the inner resources to resist. Otherwise, as he goes through adolescence, he may create a negative identity for himself as a drinker or drug user.

The best way to keep your child away from these temptations is to let him know that drug use and underage alcohol use is absolutely wrong. Give a clear, strong message that will become part of his conscience. He’ll need to remember your words and values when friends urge him to experiment, especially as he hits the mid- and late-adolescent years. Then, he’ll see many more of his peers becoming involved, and not understanding the bigger picture, he may rationalize, “Everyone does it and nothing bad happens.” Don’t waffle now, even if you think (in the abstract) that a little drink or occasional marijuana is not so bad. What starts out as fun can easily lead to a pattern of abuse and permanent damage.

If you suspect that your child is already experimenting, act quickly. Question him about drug use, keep a close eye on his behavior, friends, and activities, and search his room and belongings. If he’s drinking or using drugs, don’t try to deal with the problem entirely on your own. Get advice right away from books or a counselor experienced in treating adolescent drug use.

While you’re getting help, try to learn why your child turned to drugs. Is he escaping from his problems? Who are his friends? How does he spend his free time? Are you home enough? Is school too stressful? What family values do you stress? Are you dealing with substance abuse by adult family members?

Stopping drug use early is essential, but it takes strength and perseverance. You’ll not only have to work on the immediate problem, but establish an involved and positive relationship with your child so he can move more safely through adolescence, with its increased temptations, peer pressure, and opportunities.

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Many kids don’t like school. They complain about the work, the rules, the teachers, the bus ride, their classmates, or homework. Sometimes the problem centers on the child. Her unhappiness may be a symptom of stress at home, low self-esteem, or problems with peers. At times a child may “hate” school because she isn’t doing well. The work may be too hard. The class may be too large or the setting too distracting for her to concentrate. A child starting middle school may need time to adjust.

Often, however, the problem is school itself. Kids may have valid complaints: “Workbooks are a waste of time.” “Field trips are no fun because you spend your time taking notes and doing what the teacher says to do.” “The book reports we turn in are stupid. You don’t even have to read the book.” “I worked so hard on this paper and she marked it all up and said to do it again. Next time I’m only writing a little.” “All we do is preparing for the standardized test.”

Schools have a responsibility to teach subject matter, help students become independent and responsible learners, and encourage them to think critically and analytically. Children and teachers should respect each other, and teachers should be tolerant of mistakes. Schools also should help parents understand how the education system works and what they can do to help their child. Unfortunately, schools fail at these tasks.

Classroom rules and teaching methods may bore children and discourage learning: “I don’t like science because we never do experiments.” “We have to do the same work as everyone else, even if we already know it.” “You’re never allowed to talk.” “She always calls on the same kids.” There is often not enough flexibility, spontaneity, or creativity in schools. Kids don’t understand or take into consideration all the constraints a teacher faces, dealing with administrative rules, a rigid curriculum, overcrowded classrooms, and difficult students and parents.

“Gifted and talented” classes can be especially disappointing. In some schools, the accelerated and regular curriculums are the same. A gifted child is simply expected to do more of what everyone else is doing—-four similar worksheets, for example, instead of two. One mother took her child out of his middle school gifted program: “The only extra thing the G-T classes had was more busy work!”

Since children don’t have the power to change what happens in the classroom, they complain, hoping adults will help. Some parents listen sympathetically. Like their child, they’re frustrated. They want her to be an active, involved learner, but they fear she won’t be motivated by daily, uninspired lessons.

Other parents don’t want to hear complaints: “I got through the system and so can you.” These parents may defend the status quo and blame their child for not going along with teachers’ demands: “If Mrs. Cooper won’t give you extra credit; she must have a good reason.”

If your child is unhappy in school, she needs your help. Try to find out what’s wrong. If family problems are interfering with schoolwork, make an effort to relieve your child’s stress. If the work seems too hard, find a peer who can coach your child, hire a tutor, do tutoring yourself, or talk to the teacher. If she has continuing difficulty with schoolwork or with a particular teacher, ask if she can switch to another class. If you can’t resolve issues at your child’s school, consider changing to another public school or to a private school that addresses her needs.

Get involved in your child’s education. Encourage her efforts, help with homework, talk about what she’s learning, and be supportive, even when she gets a low grade. Provide the stimulation that may be lacking in school; this will increase her interest and skills. Go to museums, special exhibits, libraries, bookstores, nature centers, and the zoo. Talk about articles from newspapers and magazines. Do research together. Stop in educational stores to pick up interesting materials. And make reading—individually or aloud—a priority.

Talk to your child about her dissatisfaction with school. She may be very perceptive about the problem or she may have only a vague idea of what’s wrong. Many ten- to thirteen- year- olds lack the experience and understanding to analyze their situation. But most can offer some ideas for improvement: “Why can’t we work in groups?” ”Why can’t we make suggestions about subjects to study?” “I wish the teacher would stop patting kids down.” “If she were nicer, I’d ask more questions.”

To help change your child’s school situation, become an active member of the PTA and get to know the teachers and principal. Talk to them about her problems, offer your suggestions, and ask for theirs. If you’re calm and respectful, they should be willing to listen. Contrary to parents’ fears, most teachers won’t react negatively to a child whose parents have a complaint. If you’re not happy with your local school’s response, take your issues to the school district administration. However, be realistic about the improvements you can bring about. School systems change slowly, if at all. Rather than wait, do all you can to keep your child interested in learning.

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Being part of a group is very important to pre- and early adolescents. They spend a great deal of time thinking about their popularity and the main factors that affect it—personality, athletic skills, talents, and looks: “Will Scott invite me to his party?” “Am I as pretty as Lisa?” “Is Ian going to make the team instead of me?” “Who will I walk to school with?” “Will Samir like me if he knows I’m friends with Joey?”

Kids constantly weigh their relative positions in a group. Since friendships can shift at these ages, a child may feel liked one week and rejected the next. Sometimes children who have been best friends through much of elementary school drift apart because of differing interests and developmental changes. If one joins a new group, the other may feel temporarily alone. A pair of friends may be broken up by a third child who bonds with only one of the original two. In some cases, a child may be deliberately targeted by school or neighborhood bullies.

Most kids, however, don’t intend to be cruel. They simply aren’t thinking about the consequences of ending friendships, but instead concentrating on their own interests and desires to be liked.

Parents have mixed reactions to their child’s worries about popularity. At times they’re impatient with concerns about trivial incidents: “I’m sure Beth still likes you. It doesn’t matter if she says hi to Anne first.” They know that these kinds of issues come and go.

However, parents suffer along with their child when he feels truly rejected. They’re upset by his hurt feelings, anger, and confusion. Yet, they can’t make the situation better, as they could during earlier years with a phone call to another parent or an invitation to a new friend. Parents can say, “Call someone else from your class,” but they can’t force others to accept their child and they can’t create friendships for him.

What they can and should do is listen and offer reassurance and help. A child who’s vulnerable needs a great deal of support, and if he doesn’t get it from his parents, he won’t get it at all. They must remind him that he’s worthy of friendship and love and that he’ll get through these tough times.

When your child talks about feeling unpopular, be a sympathetic, understanding listener. If he expresses inevitable doubts about his place in the group, help him put his experience in perspective: “Everybody has an occasional bad day when they play baseball. I’m sure your friends didn’t mean to insult you.”

If he describes deeper hurt, first offer comfort and remind him of his strengths: “This is a hard time for you. But you’re a great kid and I know you’ll make new friends.” Pay enough attention to his friendships so that you know when things aren’t going well. If he doesn’t talk about social problems, raise the subject yourself: “I notice Nick doesn’t call here anymore. Are you two still friends?” “It’s hard to talk about feelings, but I’d like to help you.” Share stories about your experiences while growing up: “I know how you feel about Josh. There was a really popular cheerleader named Sandy in my class and I was jealous of her and wanted to be friends at the same time.”

If you think he’s losing friends because of negative behavior, let him know that he has to be less aggressive and self-centered, and generally nicer to people: “You need to listen to other kids’ suggestions more often.” “Don’t be so tough on your friends.”

If shyness is keeping him from joining a group, have him invite friends over individually. You also can help him focus on hobbies and organized activities he enjoys. That way he can meet people with similar interests and start new friendships with kids who are more like him.

Talk to him about why kids exclude each other and why friendships change. He should understand that former friends probably didn’t mean to hurt his feelings—they just developed new interests. Likewise, if your child has given up some of his own friendships, help him see what the consequences may have been. If you think that he’s mistreating others because they’re unpopular, demand that he change his behavior. Explain how it feels to be ostracized, and don’t accept excuses for his actions. If you find him consistently acting out and bullying, you probably need professional guidance.

You also may need help if your child is the one being deliberately excluded or picked on. Try to find out what’s going on and why he’s a target (since some kids “invite” bullying). Contact his teachers if you think that will make a difference, consistently give him help and encouragement, and get professional advice if you believe that emotional problems are either causing or resulting from his lack of popularity.

It’s become impossible to discuss even the most ordinary issues of unpopularity without at least mentioning the tragic cases of school violence associated with a pre-teen or teenager’s sense of isolation and anger. While news about these frightening incidents receives a great deal of attention, the events are extremely rare. The real lesson for everyone is that parents—and not schools–play the most important day-to-day role in how kids act, feel about themselves, and treat others. It’s appropriate to expect teachers to set and enforce limits on all students and to encourage inclusiveness. But realistically, parents are the ones who have to stay on top of what’s going on, teach responsible behavior, and be active advocates for their child.

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As pre-teens become increasingly involved with friends, they spend more time on the phone. Some make short calls for practical reasons: “When’s the game?” “Do you want to come over?” “What’s the homework?’ Others spend long periods on, the phone every day. They call each other to talk about school, tests, social activities, who likes that, clothes, weather, sports, music, movies, and families. They even call to “watch” television together: “We’ve both got The Simpsons on.”

Parents wonder why their child wants to make and receive so many calls. Adults try to minimize their own time on the phone, especially in the evenings. Yet some kids want to talk constantly, even to people they’ve just seen. A girl leaving a friend after a sleepover may yell, “Call me!” as she gets in the car. One parent described her thirteen-year-old’s visit to her grandparents: “Hi, Grandma and Grandpa. Can I use your phone?”

There are many reasons children like to call each other. Talking on the phone is an activity—something enjoyable to do, especially during the long afternoons if parents aren’t home. It’s a way to stay busy.

Phoning also gives kids a chance to talk about their feelings. Twelve- and thirteen-year-olds share less and less of their personal lives with their parents. They’d rather discuss family and social problems with friends who won’t criticize or lecture them. As friendships become increasingly intense at these ages, kids stay in touch out of a sense of loyalty and concern: “Did you get in trouble with your dad?”

Another reason friends call each other is to finish conversations they’ve started in school. Although classmates are together all day, they rarely have time to socialize. Since talking in class can get them in trouble, they call each other at home to talk in detail about the day’s events.

Most parents don’t want their child to spend a lot of time on the phone. They worry about the hours away from homework, chores, and physical activity. They dislike the frequent interruptions caused by phone calls and get angry when the line is busy. “I’m expecting an important business call,” sometimes gets the response, “But I have to tell Jen just one more thing.” In addition, parents don’t like siblings arguing about phone use: “You always let Michelle talk longer.” “John’s on the phone all the time. It’s not fair!” Some parents try to control phone calls with rigid rules, but this rarely works. Tracking calls and strictly allotting phone time takes considerable effort, and there are always special circumstances. If parents forbid all weeknight social calls, their child may end up sneaking calls or lying: “I wasn’t on the phone.” “I just had to ask a question about our math assignment.”

One solution to arguments about phone calls is flexible scheduling: “You can use the phone from 7:30 to 8:00 and then it’s Tim’s turn.” If you try this, make sure all family members know there will be exceptions to the schedule. An important call might come in, someone may have to return a call, or an extra few minutes may be needed to finish a conversation.

You also can try a flexible approach without specific scheduling. If you remind your children to be patient and considerate of each other’s needs, they may be able to juggle phone time according to daily circumstances. You and your spouse also should try to follow the guidelines you set up. Your child will feel angry and uncooperative if all of your calls, even unimportant ones, take precedence over hers.

If you find your child is not spending enough time on homework or other responsibilities, limit her use of the phone: “You can only make a call when your assignments are done.” “You have a big project due in two days. No calls until it’s finished.” You also should limit your child’s calls if you want to spend more time with her: “I just got home and I’d like to hear about your day. You can call Carmen later.”

If she spends too much of her free time on the phone, suggest alternatives. You don’t want phone use to be a substitute for other activities. Try interesting her in drawing, playing a game, and writing, reading, going outside, having a friend over, or taking part in after-school activities or sports.

When she uses the phone (even if it’s her own phone line), be sure she knows how to act responsibly no late-night calls received or made, no trick calls, no calls with silent friends eavesdropping, no rudeness to adults who answer the phone. Be aware of the ways she uses, or misuses, services such as conference calling.

Telephone technology changes constantly, offering options that may help (but also may complicate) home phone use: answering machines, additional phone lines, call-waiting, call-forwarding, computer dedicated phone lines, cell phones, caller ID, and other services and devices. You and your child may be using email and computerized instant messaging as phone alternatives. Whatever options you try, continually encourage your child to share, to be reasonable and responsible, and to show respect for others.

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When kids complain “I never get to do anything good,” parents some-times react with anger and frustration: “So we’re horrible parents.” “Maybe you should go live with Ray if you think his parents treat him so much better.” “Why don’t you stop feeling sorry for yourself? You do a whole lot more than I did when I was a kid.”

Kids these ages want permission to do what their friends are doing, whether it’s staying out later, wearing makeup, seeing certain movies, or going to an unchaperoned party. They aren’t thinking about safety, arrangements, costs, or their parents’ values. And when they complain, they’re not deliberately trying to hurt their parent’s feelings or act in inconsiderate ways. They’re simply focusing on their need to be part of the group.

When a child repeatedly makes requests that his parents consider unreasonable, they may feel upset not only with him but with his friends. Parents wonder if their child is too dependent on his peers, and they worry that particular friends may be bad influences: “I don’t trust Jose’s judgment. I don’t want you playing inside his house.”

Parents also become frustrated with other parents, especially those they believe are too lenient. One mother refused to let her eleven-year-old walk around a mall with a classmate who was allowed to spend hours at the shopping center unsupervised: “I don’t care if Angela’s mother lets her go by herself. I’m not comfortable letting you wander in the mall without an adult.”

If your child complains about the restrictions you impose, try to listen patiently without responding immediately. He may just need to vent his feelings: “It’s not fair! I’m always the first one who has to go home.” “You’re too protective. You worry all the time.” He may not argue as much with your decisions if he feels heard.

Avoid angry defensive statements, even if you feel unfairly attacked. When he says, “You never let me do anything,” explain why you’re refusing permission for a particular activity; if your refusal is non-negotiable, let him know that there’s no point in trying to persuade you: “Every family is different. These are our family’s rules.”

Offer acceptable alternative activities: “Call Jay and ask if he can come over.” “See if you can find a friend who’d like to go to the pool.” “Let’s stop at the video store so you can get something to watch.”

Periodically re-evaluate your rules, and gradually allow him more freedom as he gets older. But as you ease some restrictions, continue to give firm direction: “Stay with your friends.” “Check in with me.” And continue to say no to things that seem unsafe or inappropriate. Throughout these pre- and early adolescent years, your child needs clear limits, guidelines, and supervision.

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Parents worry about the effect of peer pressure on their child, especially once she turns thirteen. They hope she’ll be strong enough to reject what she knows is wrong. But they understand from their own childhoods that resisting peer pressure is difficult. They also remember how they were turned off by standard warnings and lectures: “If your friend jumped off a bridge, would you?”

Peer influence is an inevitable part of pre- and early adolescence. Kids look to each other when choosing clothes, hairstyles, or music. They behave the way friends do because that makes them feel part of a group. Peer influence often can be positive. Kids suggest good books, introduce friends to new interests, and encourage each other to study, take on neighborhood jobs, or be more polite. One twelve-year-old told his friend, “You could be nicer when you ask your mom to do things for you.”

Of course, there’s also a negative side to peer influence. A susceptible child may be swayed to join a rough crowd or do something dangerous, thoughtless, or illegal: intimidate younger children, shoplift, get into fights, drink, smoke, or try drugs.

Kids who are most vulnerable to peer pressure are those who don’t feel close to their parents or who don’t receive firm, positive direction from them. A child may be largely ignored at home or forced to follow overly strict rules. As a result, she may look to friends for the attention and guidance she lacks at home. She also may be insecure. She follows her peers’ bad suggestions to gain a sense of identity and feel accepted.

Most kids these ages, however, aren’t led into deep trouble by peers. A child chooses friends who are like her. And ten- to thirteen-year-olds usually can’t be persuaded to violate their basic family values. They can be talked into mischief, though, so parents have to stay alert. One twelve-year-old snuck out of a school dance, violating the rules. He told his parents, “Scott and John told me to.” He wasn’t thinking about the rules, the worry he caused, or the potential danger. He only considered the thrill of the moment and the fun of being with his friends.

Your child will be less affected by negative peer pressure if she has you are with a good self-image and a strong connection to family. The more involved her, the more she’ll want to please you. And if her identity is relatively secure, she won’t be so dependent on the approval of her friends.

Set limits on her behavior so she’ll know what you expect and what the consequences will be if she doesn’t follow the rules. If you find out after the fact that she did something you disapprove discipline her? Then keep a closer eye on her and her friends.

Discuss peer pressure with her. Let her know you expect her to stand up to the group at times, even though you realize how difficult that can be. Try role-playing: “What would you do if a friend stole a necklace while you were shopping together?” “If everyone was picking on someone at school how would you act?” Let her know that being independent won’t mean the end of her social life.

Encourage her to share her worries and talk about her relationships with friends. Peer pressure and risky behavior will be increasing concerns as your child gets older, and you need to anticipate the inevitable problems. As she moves through adolescence, she’ll need your guidance, watchfulness, and support if she’s going to resist the pressure to “go along.”

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Bar and Bat Mitzvahs are the traditional coming-of-age ceremonies for thirteen-year-old Jewish boys and girls. The ceremony is the culmination of years of general study plus an intensive six months of tutoring and preparation. The Bar Mitzvah itself is a moving and spiritually fulfilling event. As the child reads and interprets his Torah portion, he offers wisdom and insight to his listeners. The periods before and after the Bar Mitzvah are exciting, but they can sometimes be hectic or stressful.

As family members look forward to the ceremony, they may have ambivalent feelings. Twelve-year-olds wonder how they’ll do: “What if I make a mistake?” “Will my speech be all right?” The hours spent on Hebrew and Bar Mitzvah preparation can cause considerable pressure: “I’ll never be ready!” “All I do is homework and my Torah portion!”

Parents feel proud and sentimental as their child prepares to take on the responsibilities of a Jewish adult; however, preparations for the coming ceremony can put a strain on family life. Parents have to support their child as he learns and practices, and help him focus on the spiritual meaning of the event. They also have to take care of the practical arrangements, including scheduling lessons, driving, discussing the service, working with the rabbi and cantor, and reserving the sanctuary. If a party is planned, they have to handle other details, too: invitations, food, entertainment, decorations, and clothes. These responsibilities, added to everyday routines, leave many parents feeling stressed.

Siblings, too, can be affected by the Bar Mitzvah. A younger child may be jealous: “It’s not fair! I want my Bat Mitzvah when Jessie has hers.” An older child who’s already had a Bar Mitzvah may feel neglected as attention shifts to his sibling.

As you and your child approach the Bar Mitzvah, you can decrease stress by concentrating on the religious nature of the occasion, rather than the preparations or the party. Talk about Judaism and your child’s connection to past generations. Discuss Jewish history, holidays, and customs, the Holocaust, and the beliefs and history of other religions. Also emphasize the need to help others. Many families make community service and charitable donations an important part of the Bar Mitzvah period.

Get involved with your child’s studies. Your interest, help, and support will make it easier for him to learn his Torah portion and prayers and write his speech. Involve him in planning the service if the rabbi allows some flexibility. Your child may be able to choose prayers, recite a poem, or pick out appropriate music.

As you plan your party, let your choices reflect your family’s style, budget, and values. You may have to resist pressure from relatives who want you to celebrate as they would, and you may also have to resist internal pressure to “keep up” with friends and acquaintances.

Your child will be feeling social pressures of his own: “I want kids to like my party.” “Why can’t we have the same things Aaron had?” If he feels in competition with others, help him focus on the meaning of the occasion and the honor of having friends and family with him. Whatever your celebration is like, he, as the center of attention, will enjoy it.

It’s appropriate to expect your other children to be happy for the Bar Mitzvah child. However, you may have to help them cope with jealousy. Encourage them to share their thoughts: “Brian’s been getting a lot of attention because his Bar Mitzvah’s coming up. What do you think of all this?” Spend extra time with them and involve them, if they wish, in some of the preparations.

Since Bar Mitzvahs are planned far in advance, there’s always a chance of unexpected events, even disappointments. Illness, bad weather, or family conflicts may interfere with plans. A relative may not come. One of your child’s classmates may have a Bar Mitzvah on the same day as your child’s. If you remain calm in the face of changes or disappointments, he will follow your lead.

After the Bar Mitzvah, you’ll feel happy and proud but also somewhat let down after so much anticipation. Your child’s feelings may be similar to yours, but he’ll quickly be distracted by school, social life, sports, and other interests.

Your final responsibility is to have him write thank-you notes. Make up a schedule: “I want you to write five cards every night.” Give him a set of sample notes to follow. Sit with him and offer suggestions on personalizing his cards.

If he received money as a gift, give him guidelines for handling it—have him save a large portion and keep a small amount at home to spend as he wishes. Some parents ask their child to give one of his presents to each of his siblings. Many parents ask their child to donate some gift money to charity. Being generous to those in need is a value that is particularly appropriate at the time of a Bar Mitzvah.

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Parents who believe their child is overweight may feel a mix of emotions. They might be disappointed and embarrassed because he doesn’t fit some “ideal” or because his situation reminds them of their own struggles with weight. They may be worried about his health and self-image and feel very protective if he’s teased by his peers. Concerned parents may not know how to talk to him or help him lose weight. And frustrated parents may sometimes explode in anger, belittling or blaming him for something that may be beyond his control.

There are various reasons some kids become overweight. Heredity and metabolism are contributing factors for most children. Some kids have only a temporary weight problem that a growth spurt will eliminate. Some, who are not involved in activities outside the home, may spend too much of their time eating. Also, when a child is sedentary, he tends to gain weight.

If a child’s emotional needs are not met, he may try to satisfy himself by eating, and naturally, eating habits, especially over-eating, can have an effect. In rare cases, an underlying medical condition may cause him to be overweight.

If you think your child has a weight problem, check with your pediatrician. You may find his weight is actually within normal bounds, and if it’s not, the doctor can explain why. She also can help plan a safe weight-loss program, offer advice on talking to him about the issue, and refer you to a nutritionist.

Before discussing weight with your child, see if there are changes you can make that might help him. Alter your cooking methods (less frying, more grilling), your buying habits (fewer chips, more pretzels), and the portion sizes you serve. Encourage him to be active; rearrange your schedule so you can drive him to practices, watch his games, take him to friends’ houses, and generally make it easier for him to spend time outdoors.

It’s important to plan what you want to say before talking to your child about being overweight. Ten- to thirteen-year-olds are very sensitive. Use a respectful tone and begin by speaking in general terms about appearances: “Lots of kids your age are concerned about how they look. How do you feel about your appearance?”

He may welcome a chance to talk. Find out how other kids have been treating him. Ask if he would like to try losing weight. If he says yes, work together on a plan to change his—and perhaps the whole family’s—eating and exercise habits. The more cooperative he is, the easier it will be to deal with his problem.

You may find, however, that he becomes defensive when you bring up his weight. He may act distant or angry or speak negatively about himself. This is especially true if you are rigid or harsh or dwell on his appearance. He may overeat as a way of rebelling.

If you encourage him to diet, he may resist your efforts, partly out of fear of drastic change: “Forget it! I just won’t eat as much. I can plan my own diet. Let’s not talk about it anymore!” Instead of arguing back, ask him for suggestions. An idea of his (“I just won’t drink soda and eat dessert”) may work. Offer encouragement: “You’ve got some good plans.” “We’ll try it your way first.” “It may be hard, but I think we can do it.”

Losing weight is very difficult, as most adults have learned, and your child may or may not be successful. Even if he loses weight now, he may regain it later. Be patient and supportive. His self-esteem depends on your unconditional love and acceptance, not your evaluation of his appearance.

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Children learn at an early age to be aware of their weight. They see thin celebrities on TV and in the movies, and they look at ads for weight loss programs. They hear their gymnastics or wrestling coach urge them to slim down. They hear their parents talk about dieting or say, “Don’t eat too much or you’ll get fat,” and it becomes clear that thinness matters.

Many girls describe themselves as overweight: “I look so fat in this outfit.” “There’s so much flab on my legs!” “I hate the way I look!” Often a child with a good self-image says such things to receive a compliment or be reassured: “What are you worried about? You’re so skinny.” “I wish I were as thin as you are. You look great!”

Sometimes she truly believes she’s overweight even though her parents are convinced that she isn’t. Parents have to evaluate her statements about weight, especially once she reaches twelve or thirteen. Some kids these ages become so obsessed with “being fat” that their self-image suffers and they risk developing an eating disorder.

While it’s natural for your child to pay attention to her changing body, try to keep her from dwelling on weight and appearance. Also keep her from dramatically altering her diet. Talking will help: “You seem to believe you’re overweight and I’m trying to figure out why. Do your friends feel the same way about themselves?” Discuss physical development and body shapes as well as healthy eating, but don’t lectures or she’ll stop listening.

Focus on her interests and strengths. She may be less concerned about her body if her time is spent on enjoyable or challenging activities. Encourage her to pursue hobbies or sports. Help her get involved in volunteer work, art classes, a school club, rearranging her room, caring for a pet, or learning a new skill.

Examine your own eating habits and attempts to lose weight. If there’s too much emphasis on dieting at home, your child may be influenced in a negative way. Be less open when discussing your weight, put out fewer magazines with dieting articles, and show her, by your example, how to eat and exercise in a healthy way.

She may be concentrating on weight as a way of dealing with stress. She might find it easier to worry about being fat than to think about other problems. Try to find out if something is bothering her. Does she do well in school? Does she get enough attention at home? Does she get along reasonably well with her siblings? Does she have conflicts with friends? Can she occupy herself when she’s alone? If you can help eliminate some pressures in her life, her self-image will improve. This, in turn, should lessen her preoccupation with weight.

Make it clear that you love her as she is and offer reassurance if she seems to need it. She may feel comforted to hear, “No, you’re not fat.” However, it’s possible your words of praise and love will have little effect. If she genuinely believes she’s overweight, she’ll continue to see herself that way.

If your child is ten or eleven and talks about being too heavy, keep a watchful eye on her. If she’s older, take her repeated complaints or changes in eating habits seriously. It’s better to start dealing with the issue now because weight will continue to matter to her throughout adolescence (and adulthood). The older your child gets, the harder it may be to help her accept herself. If you’re really worried, you might want to talk to a counselor or take your child to a nutritionist. A professional can often prevent serious eating problems and help your child view herself more realistically.

All kids are attracted by fads and want at least some of the latest, short-lived styles in music, haircuts, clothes, gadgets, or games. At the beginning of the school year, they may be wearing their pants a certain way. Two months later, a sixth-grader says, “Nobody wears that anymore.” A rock group that a girl has idolized may be quickly forgotten. A sports hat that a boy wants may soon end up in the back of his closet.

Fads are popular because kids want to be like their peers. If enough kids have a particular object, others want it too, since no one wants to feel left out. In the same way, younger siblings desire what their older brothers and sisters have. Kids are also heavily influenced by television commercials and magazine ads. Just as young children want the toys they see on TV, ten- to thirteen-year-olds think that much of what is advertised for them looks wonderful.

Of course, adults can be attracted to fads of their own. But most adults know which styles will last awhile and which will quickly vanish. Children don’t distinguish in the same ways. A child wants a gadget because it’s appealing now, and he’s not thinking about its value or looking ahead.

That difference in perspective causes tension when parents discuss fads with their child. They may feel that a particular fad is too expensive or a waste of money: “I’m not paying that much for cheap-looking jewelry.” They may disapprove of a fad or be completely against it: “That band sounds terrible—how can you listen to such junk?” “You’re too young. You can’t wear that lipstick.” “You may not pierce your ear.”

Many parents try a rational approach with their child: “You shouldn’t believe what you see on TV.” “It’s better to think for yourself.” “You don’t have to have something just because other kids do.” But what appears silly or wasteful to a parent may be important and fashionable to a child. That’s why kids react defensively when their parents dismiss their requests: “You don’t understand!” A child feels frustrated because, unlike an adult, he can’t buy something simply because it attracts him. He needs approval, permission, and money, and he often has to listen to a lecture.

When your child wants something badly, hear him out. Don’t label his request “just a fad.” He’ll feel better knowing he can talk without being put down or dismissed.

It’s all right to let him follow a fad that’s harmless and inexpensive. If you recall your own pre- and early adolescence, you’ll remember longing to be like others. If a fad seems acceptable but you don’t want to pay for it, let him know he’ll have to spend his own money.

When you have some negative feelings about a fad, explain your point of view and then, when appropriate, compromise: “You can listen to that music, but only with your door closed or your headphones on.” If you feel a fad isn’t right, set firm limits: “You can’t wear clothes with rips and holes in them.” “You may not style your hair that way.”

While an interest in fads is normal, your child shouldn’t become too involved with them. If he cares excessively about clothes and possessions, help him to broaden his interests. If he follows fads in an attempt to attract friends, encourage him to find other ways to connect with peers. Finally, model the kind of common-sense approach that you want him to follow. If you communicate your sense of values, he shouldn’t get overly caught up in a quest for whatever is new.